2010....A New Year and A New Song

Jeremiah 29:11-12 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.

Okay, I know its been six months since my last blog. My new years resolution this year is to make our family blog a scrapbook and update once a week. I think by actually making a goal, it will keep me more accountable about taking pics of my kids and documenting their life. I know its Jan. 21st and I'm already behind.....but as most of you know the last two weeks have some of the worst weeks of our lives.

Three days before Christmas we found out that I was pregnant. We were super excited, because shortly after Steven came home from Iraq, we felt like the Lord was telling us that it was time to try for another baby. It took us three months to get pregnant, which is still amazing to me, since the doctors told me I had a 80% chance of being sterile from the chemo I had to take when I was 15. I felt sick right away, which is a good sign.....so being in the Christmas spirit we decided to tell our family. Everybody was so happy, and not so nervous this time since I had two healthy pregnancies and two precious, happy, and healthy little girls. I also found out that my best friend in North Carolina was pregnant after enduring years of infertility, and we were due a day apart! I was beyond thrilled, and everyday I kept getting sicker and sicker.....way earlier than I had with the girls....and I kept thinking everything was fine. Little did I know that everything would change.

I started bleeding off and on for a week, and on three separate occasions thought I was for sure miscarrying, and the Dr's kept telling me everything was fine. Such an emotional rollercoaster ride! The Dr's kept doing ultrasounds and said they saw a heart beat and this is normal in pregnancy. I was praying about it, for God's will to ultimately be done, but my heart was aching for healing for my baby. To make a very long story short, after 4 ultrasounds showing one sac, on my 5th ultrasound, they found twins, but neither had a heartbeat. Because of my health, I had a D&C last Tuesday. I only had about 2 hours from the time I found out that I was pregnant with twins, that neither had a heartbeat, and my surgery.....so I feel like I never had the time to grieve the loss of the other baby. This took a huge emotional toll on Steven and myself. I never have wanted twins, longed for multiples, but knowing that I had twins, that my babies would have a close playmate, makes me so sad that I won't ever have twins. I know that I probably, God willing, will get pregnant again, but I know that it more than likely won't be twins. Pray for us that the Lord will heal my heart and Steven's, and take away the pain. Each day gets better, but it still hurts......and even when we get pregnant again, we will miss our babies.

Through the pain, we have seen God MOVE! Steven's whole squadron is gone for the next 6 weeks, and he was one of 3 pilots that they randomly selected to not take with them. He kept saying, he had no clue why he wasn't chosen to go.....and I kept telling him that God has him here for a reason......and now we know. I am so thankful to the Lord that Steven was here to be with me during this. We even said today, how we think dealing with the loss of our babies, has brought us closer to each other and the Lord. My dear friend Liz volunteered to watch my kids for an hour during my Monday morning Dr appointment, and my kids ended us staying at her house until Wednesday morning....oh, and her hubby got home from a 13 month deployment on Thursday. She is such a great friend, I don't know what I would have done without her. Our church, FBC Jacksonville, and our military friends showed us great support. My friend Christine, who recently went through her own loss of a baby, brought me a meal, and stayed and just talked to me, when I really needed to talk to somebody who knew what I was feeling. She reminded me that Heaven is so much bigger for me now, because not only will I be with my Savior, but I will see my glory babies again! My dear friend Sharon, who also lost a child, left me a basket on my porch, with an encouraging note, a book called, "I will hold you in Heaven", and what every girl needs chocolates. :) She was sensitive enough to leave it on my doorstep, and email me later, knowing that at that time I really didn't want to talk to anybody. I feel like I appreciate my husband and children so much more now. Even if I am never blessed with any more kids, I feel so lucky to have the two sweet angels that I have now. We went to Wednesday night church last night for the first time since before Christmas....and the sermon was on having a new song. That is my prayer right now, that the Lord will give me a new song....a song of hope for the future. I am praying that God be glorified....even in devastation. I know we live in a fallen world and bad things happen, and my prayer is that good can come, and that I will be changed for the better, I will grow closer to the Lord and my family, and be a better wife and mother to my children.

Jeremiah 29:11 has been such a comfort to me......my plans are not always God's plans....and I know that God's best is what I want for my life, and the life of our family.